New Pespective

I seem to get into relationships with guys and know they're going to end. I just want to love and be loved. I felt like you had to have to be boyfriend and girlfriend in order to do that. A lot of my guy friends and two of my girlfriends say that the labels are what mess up relationships. I'm starting to believe that.
With guys that are my friends I feel I can be myself completely.  When I like someone, I turn into a different person. I start doing what I think a girlfriend should do, rather than be myself. My promise to myself has always been to stay true to who I am no matter what. Be genuine. I have not been doing that for a while. Period. I want to be happy and the only way I can do that is by really staying true to me beliefs.
I believe in love and soul mates, but my perspective has changed. Legally, that person is not yours unless you are married on paper. Spiritually, I believe if that person is there for you no matter what, then they are yours. My friend Ester said it best: "Love can't be defined. If you can define it, then it's not love". Love is endless, boundless, and undefined.
I'm searching for love. That's a problem because I need to love myself first. Love is always there, you just have to allow yourself to feel it. Anyone, that believes in God knows that. For now on, my focus is going to be on self love and friendships. I have different friends, but I love them all. Each and everyone has a little bit of my personality in them. I always felt like I would never get married because of the relationships around me. I realize now that I define my outcome, not others. I want to get married once and it will happen later on in life. I'm still young. I'm still figuring out myself. Relationships are the stepping stones to self enlightenment. It's very important no matter how bad or good they are.

Where Am I Going?

Loving me takes time. I have been so concerned about what others want and think of me, that I forgot what I want. I used to take care of myself everyday, but since college I have not. I have been stressed with family problems, love life, career aspirations, and my spirit. I love to write, but I'm not sure what to write about. So I'm writing about everything that is important to me. I have been trying to find a job in journalism but it's taking longer than expected. I have started with other avenues to make a living, but I still want to write for a magazine or newspaper. I love giving my opinions and advice and learning about others. I also tend to focus on love of others than love of myself. I think I have because some part of me thinks that it's selfish to pay attention to myself. As I study Christianity and Islam, I realize that if you are trying to be a Muslim or Christian you must pay attention to yourself and love yourself because Allah (God) loves you no matter what. "He" sees all and believes in everyone, and therefore we must believe in ourselves if we believe in him. Now that I know and believe this my family life has gotten better. I no longer see certain people as the enemy, they just don't know any better. It is my job to be a leader and show them how it is done. Crying and being angry doesn't help the situation, but doing something about it does. I am growing up, and although I'm still not sure where I will end up in this life, I know that Allah (God) has my back no matter what. From here on out I will take care of myself.

New Year-New Me

This year I am working on being more understanding of others. What I hope to get from that is a better understanding of self. Lately, I have been angry at other people when things go wrong in my life. I am now learning to account for my responsibility of controlling my life. If I was more attentive instead of reactive a lot of these unfortunate events in 2011 could have been avoided. This is my year and I am not going to let anyone stop me from being successful this year. I have a jewelry business. I need to take advantage of that opportunity. I want to be able to take care of myself. I can, but I need to record everything I do and make sure I am taking the right steps towards my independence. I admire my friend Josephine because when she wants to do something, she just dose it. I need to be like that, but what gets in the way is my fear and insecurities from my childhood. I'm not that little girl anymore and I should not let others' views of me define me. I have my BA degree. I can become a lawyer. I have what it takes to start my own business again. I just need to do it. This is the year for me to "keep it movin" and to "just do it". Thank you for everyone who believes in me and most of all thank me for finally believing in myself.