A Different Me

I'm finally happy with me. I did find someone but I'm lookling at relationships much more carefully now. I read several books but nothing has been better than listening to the Qur'an and my heart. I was ready and content with being alone and I was ready to focus on the more important task of education, career, and family. Then I met this really nice, handsome, laid-back, open-minded, blunt, and analytical guy. We met by chance through an old "friend" on my way to an event. He picked me up and it has been great ever since. We are not a couple right now but we are dating. The old me would have a problem with this but I'm fine with it now. It takes time to really know if an individual is right for you. It usually takes three to six months to really know if this is real. Right now it's great but where will be by March? Usually this would scare me but now that I'm ok with taking a chance and being alone it's ok if we don't make it. I am learning that Allah puts certain people in our path to show us the way to a better life. It may be a terrible challange or a wonderful encounter but either way you are becoming a better person. I'm really happy that I met this man because he is completely comfortable with himself. He has no doubts about who he is or what he is worth. He is just plain wonderful and he is teaching me to be more thoughtful. I realized that I am self-centered at times and that I think the world revolves around me. I still do but now I am concious of myself and how I appear to others. I still have insecurities but I am working on making them securities. This man really helps me do that on a daily basis. I did not think that I cared about what others think until he pointed it out. Now I realize that it only matters what I think.

Friendship & Justice

I have been through a situation that I never thought I would be in. I lost a friend by trying to be a good friend. I do not regret the situation because it has taught me a lot about myself and friendship. I learned that no matter how good you think you are being there will always be someone that just thinks you are evil. To not stoop down to that person's level and not be depressed I talked about the situation to people and moved on. The person seen my messages about how happy I was and she got mad. She said I ruined her life when the truth is she ruined it almost two years ago. She can't see past the smoke but I can. I have more important matters to deal with than being sad or depressed. I'm trying to decide which direction my career will go in and if I really want to get married or have children. Life dose not stop just because someone else is having issues. Life keeps going regardless of your personal circumstances. I also learned that people's negative energies can effect you indirectly. That's what happened in this situation. She feels like she is the only victim of the situation but I was too. I torn into deciding to let her continue getting into bad situations or attempting to make this situation get resolved. I tried to get it resolved and quickly realized that the justice system in America is not designed to help it's citizens but to scam them for money and to put as many black people in prison as possible. I think the government and the police help thugs rather than rehabilitate them. This situation is always going to be apart of me for the rest of my life, but I choose to learn from it and move on. I hope she can do the same. Friendships come and go but I will always have my family to support me. I took my family for granted and because of this situation I have grown to appreciate them for their support.

A closed chapter for good

Why do I keep letting myself down? I keep thinking that if I show this person how much I love him he will change his ways. I'm too good of a person for this shit. My friend told me that I deserve better and I just brushed off what she said because I just knew he was the one for me. Now I know he is not. He dose not know how much he hurt me and I really don't think he cares. I just get lonely I guess. I spent my whole day cleaning up and thinking about him. Ciara is so right when she said that if he don't love you by now he will never ever love you right now. He don't and I need to move on. I invested too much time in him and he is taking away energy. I done with getting hurt. I'm done.

Personal Progress?

I am so lost right now. Four years ago if you would have asked me where I see myself in the future I would say on the 9 floor, corner office of new york building ordering people around and working on my next corporate case. Now, I just don't know. I know I love to write, make jewelry, create art, and design stuff but where do I stand in life? I do not know how I can move forward when I can't see the future anymore. I am trying to make changes but it seems so hard. I'm doing my best not to give up on myself but I am also just trying to stay afloat. I have been sick most of the school year because I am stressing out about school, work, love, and family. I had myself together more as a child than I do now. I was more of an adult when I was younger because I had to be. Now, I finally get control of my life and I feel like I can't do anything right. What is Katice Harris' purpose in life? I no longer pray because I do not believe in religion anymore, yet when I am scared I recite verses from the Qur'an. How can I move on and become a better person instead of dissappointing myself and others? My soul is confused and so is my mind. I am trying to fight this dark force that I feel has been over me for some time now. I wish I can just have some kind of enlightenment instantly so the rest of my life can go smoothly. I guess I will just have to listen to my friend Kwesi when he said no pain, no gain. I do believe that everything that happens to me, negative or positive, happens for a reason. I just want to come out on top instead of struggling my whole life like my mom.

My Soul

My soul is something I have always been worried about, who isn't. I worry about if there is an after life. Is religion just a hoax? Why do most religions contridict themselves? Will I be punished for being happy. Is it ok to live my life how I see fit or should I follow a book written hundreds, thounsands of years ago? My soul is in constant perril. I'm muslim but I always question my religion. I mostly question the difference between culture and Islam because often they get mixed up. I have afghan friends that say they love thier religion but don't pray or read the Qur'an. I often end up teaching them about the Qur'an. It's really sad. I also don't like that some people consider me to not be a true muslim because I am black. Color has nothing to do with it. Lately I have stopped praying 5 times a day because I feel that prayer should come from the heart. I can't do the motions because it feels fake. I also feel that people should pray to thank god not to ask for fogiveness all the time. Religion is like meditation it keeps the soul at ease. I feel religion is for interpretation of the individual because everyone is different. I believe everyone is good in the beginning but the outside world sometime forces us to be bad. God knows this so this is why there are guidelines in so many religions that are the same. I do not think there is any wrong religion but I do believe that some religous leaders currupt the purpose of thier religion. This is why there are so many versions of Christianity and Islam. My soul is in constant battle but I know in the end I will make the best choice.