A closed chapter for good

Why do I keep letting myself down? I keep thinking that if I show this person how much I love him he will change his ways. I'm too good of a person for this shit. My friend told me that I deserve better and I just brushed off what she said because I just knew he was the one for me. Now I know he is not. He dose not know how much he hurt me and I really don't think he cares. I just get lonely I guess. I spent my whole day cleaning up and thinking about him. Ciara is so right when she said that if he don't love you by now he will never ever love you right now. He don't and I need to move on. I invested too much time in him and he is taking away energy. I done with getting hurt. I'm done.

Personal Progress?

I am so lost right now. Four years ago if you would have asked me where I see myself in the future I would say on the 9 floor, corner office of new york building ordering people around and working on my next corporate case. Now, I just don't know. I know I love to write, make jewelry, create art, and design stuff but where do I stand in life? I do not know how I can move forward when I can't see the future anymore. I am trying to make changes but it seems so hard. I'm doing my best not to give up on myself but I am also just trying to stay afloat. I have been sick most of the school year because I am stressing out about school, work, love, and family. I had myself together more as a child than I do now. I was more of an adult when I was younger because I had to be. Now, I finally get control of my life and I feel like I can't do anything right. What is Katice Harris' purpose in life? I no longer pray because I do not believe in religion anymore, yet when I am scared I recite verses from the Qur'an. How can I move on and become a better person instead of dissappointing myself and others? My soul is confused and so is my mind. I am trying to fight this dark force that I feel has been over me for some time now. I wish I can just have some kind of enlightenment instantly so the rest of my life can go smoothly. I guess I will just have to listen to my friend Kwesi when he said no pain, no gain. I do believe that everything that happens to me, negative or positive, happens for a reason. I just want to come out on top instead of struggling my whole life like my mom.

My Soul

My soul is something I have always been worried about, who isn't. I worry about if there is an after life. Is religion just a hoax? Why do most religions contridict themselves? Will I be punished for being happy. Is it ok to live my life how I see fit or should I follow a book written hundreds, thounsands of years ago? My soul is in constant perril. I'm muslim but I always question my religion. I mostly question the difference between culture and Islam because often they get mixed up. I have afghan friends that say they love thier religion but don't pray or read the Qur'an. I often end up teaching them about the Qur'an. It's really sad. I also don't like that some people consider me to not be a true muslim because I am black. Color has nothing to do with it. Lately I have stopped praying 5 times a day because I feel that prayer should come from the heart. I can't do the motions because it feels fake. I also feel that people should pray to thank god not to ask for fogiveness all the time. Religion is like meditation it keeps the soul at ease. I feel religion is for interpretation of the individual because everyone is different. I believe everyone is good in the beginning but the outside world sometime forces us to be bad. God knows this so this is why there are guidelines in so many religions that are the same. I do not think there is any wrong religion but I do believe that some religous leaders currupt the purpose of thier religion. This is why there are so many versions of Christianity and Islam. My soul is in constant battle but I know in the end I will make the best choice.