Me, Myself, and I

I'm at a transitioning point in my life. I have told people how I really feel about them and I've discontinued unhealthy friendships. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

At first it was scary because in American society people think there is something wrong with you if you are by yourself. Men try to target me because they think I'm alone. I'm never alone. I have my two closest friends and my family. I may not spend a lot of time with them but when I do it's great.

I've been learning a lot about myself. I've been a perfectionist but I'm working on being ok with making mistakes. I'm being real with myself and others. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Right now I'm single, work in retail, underpaid, over-educated, and on a journey. I've been looking at joining the military for years but I was scared. Now I'm certain it is the right move for me. I want to make a difference in the world, leave a legacy, and experience different cultures.

I'm an artist and creator at heart. When I get out of the military I want to start my own business. I've done it before. I want to be able to help a variety of people in my community and family. A capitalistic society has flaws but it also brings opportunity for growth and empowerment.

Some of my family is against me going into the military but it's out of fear not understanding or experience. They fear of me dying in combat because I want to go to the army. Death is certain everyday. As soon as I walk out the house in the morning I risk the possibility of death. If I die I want to do it in an honorable way.

I grew up in the same city as Oscar Grant and I'm still here. I've been wanting to see what the world has to offer me and I will not let fear get in the way. I'm a strong person and I've always been since I was young. I was forced to grow up early due to my economic status.

While I am not my circumstances, my circumstances have made me a better person. I understand me and what I want out of life. I've been saying that I don't know what I want since I've been out of college but I've always known. I was just too scared because I didn't know how I would get there.

I now accept fear, anger, and joy. They are human emotions and I should feel them. Negative feelings aren't bad they're just there to wake me up. I'm wide awake.

Am I religious?

I believe in Allah, God, Supreme Being, or whatever you want to call him. After going to churches and mosque and being around religious groups of people. I strongly feel that I am not religious but I am spiritual. This means I believe in God but I do not identify with a religion.
I do my best to live by the golden rule: treat others how you want to be treated. I sometimes let anger get the best of me because I don't like being disrespected. So I end up treating others how I feel they should be treated instead. I'm a work in progress.
I just get tired of the bullshit that comes with being apart of a religious group of people. The constant judgement is ludicrous to me. How can you say your a Christian or a Muslim and treat people with no respect because they are different than you? If you are indeed this religious persona and your god is a forgiving god, why are you trying to punish someone for being who they are?
I am accepting of others but I am not accepting of people who pretend to be something they are not. I feel like that is most Christians and Muslims. They just follow what people tell them, they don't actually take the time to study their religion.
I met a lot of Muslim girls in college who claim that they were born Muslim but they don't know the five pillars of Islam and they don't practice the religion. They were more interested in marriage before they were 30.
To me it was just pathetic. I was not born into the religion. I chose it and I knew more about the religion than they did. It sickened me. The more I hung out with these girls the more I realized that they mistaken their culture for their religion. Just because your family is from an "Islamic" country doesn't mean it's an Islamic country.
All of this made me denounce Islam and turn to Christianity only to find out the Christians were that same. They are more deceitful in my experience. They act in kind and loving and once they get you to convert they trash talk about Islam and criticize you for not being theatrical enough for God. lol.
Religion to me is a big circus and the main attraction is the promise of getting close to God. A scam.
I feel like God has given us a free will for a reason. Not to be taken advantage of by capitalism.
Living here in America has made be feel that everything in the world has to do with capitalism because entities of power do stupid shit.
If people are naturally good then why do we cheer when bad things happen to people but are uninterested or hateful when good things happen to people? I feel this is because of religious groups who are after power and money. I don't want to be apart of anything like that.
I am not religious at all but I am spiritual. I want whoever I end up with to be spiritual. I want my kids to grow up understanding that religion is just another organized group spreading hate and judgement on the world. I don't hate people of any religion I just don't believe in it. I believe there are good people everywhere, but there are more bad than good people that belong to religious organizations.